lovelustandlife.com

I think that I am a closet geek. What I mean by that is that I tried not to let the kids at school know how smart I am. I’m no genius, I’m sure that is obvious, but I actually love learning. The problem was that I wanted to fit in, or to blend in, more than I wanted to my best. I did not need to have designer clothes or to cuss like a sailor; I just did not want to stand out from the crowd. So in elementary and middle school I made a point to do just the minimum, but then things changed in high school. Oh, I tried to get away with not studying or turning in my homework, but that did not fly there. See I went to what they classified as a college prep school and a lot of the teachers there challenged their students and maintained high expectations. I maintained over a 3.25 in my freshman year, but my sophomore year dropped down a 2.50. So my high school career became mediocre, until I took some challenging classes that awaken my love of learning.

My routine in the morning was to wake up about 5:45am so I could get dressed and make it to the bus stop by 7:30am. Every morning I toke our city’s public transportation, but tried to get an early bus just in case the bus ran late or passed us because it was too full. By my junior year I actually enjoyed taking the bus and I had my routine down to a science so that I was never late to school. One fall morning I grabbed my 40 lb bookbag, locked the door and crossed the street, headed towards the bus stop. As soon as I crossed I noticed a man on the same side of the street walking towards me.

When I saw him I took note and immediately felt uncomfortable. I can’t tell you why, but I had a strong pull to cross the street again. That thought troubled me, why would I think that? I looked him up and down and noticed that his clothes were a little shabby. I concluded that I was unfairly stereotyping and did not want him to feel like I was trying to avoid him. I hate when people clutch there purses in elevators and I would not do that. Besides I was only a couple minutes away from by bus stop and that would be stupid to cross the street now. So I continued walking and even smiled at how silly I was being. The man made eye contact with me and I smiled. As he an approached me he said, “Excuse me, can you tell me what time it is?” “Sure, it’s 7:15” I said. He thanked me and continued walking. “He was so polite. I can’t believe I wanted to avoid him” I thought to myself. A few seconds after finishing that thought I heard the sound of someone running towards me and before I had the chance to turn around The man grabbed me, put a knife to my neck and said that he would kill me if I screamed —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Well, I did not see that coming. Maybe that’s why I wanted to cross the street. The man wrapped his arm around my waist and started walking with me across the street. The knife remained at my neck. Okay, now what do I do? My mind scans the files of my mind a pulled up a yellow rape pamphlet I read a while ago. I saw a few of the bullet points and stopped at one that said “Tell your attacker you are on your period”. I said to myself that will never work, but with not much time to spare I thought I’d give it the old college try. I said it out loud and he retorted, “Shut up bitch or I’ll slit your throat.” Oh well that did not work at all, now what? My mind raced to analyze the situation. I looked like he was taking me to the alley behind a restaurant. I concluded that he wanted to rape me there. It was light outside and the alley was right off of a main street. I thought that if he was going to rape me in the broad day light he must be a little crazy so I decided that I would not fight back. If he tried to kill me all bets off. I made a promise to myself, “I will not die today”. As we approached the alley the man said, “Hey slut if you don’t do what I fucking say I will kill you bitch.” I could not believe it. “How dare you!?! You don’t even know me! Nobody has even touched me for 2 years. I’m not a slut and you should not call me out of my name.” I thought to myself. I honestly was tempted to say that out loud but I remembered the gravity of the situation and thought it would be better not to say anything.

We walked down the alley but to my surprise he turned the corner and walked me towards a car that was parked between two buildings. My senses heightened and I knew that this was very serious. I read the license plate attempting to memorize it, but he moved me quickly up against the car. With his body pressed against me he removed the knife from my neck and opened the car door. The car was a two door and the passenger seat was already pushed forward he pulled me towards the opening and grabbed my head, pushing me into the car. Without thinking about it my hands reached for the door frame and I pushed back with all my might. It was a battle of wills we both pushed until I fell back. Now lying flat against the gravel looking up at the man and I made myself a new promise. I was going to walk away with even a scratch. I told myself to kick away the knife and to scream at the top of my lungs. Every time he came at me with the knife I kicked his hand away, but it took so much of my focus that I’m not sure I remembered to scream.

Time seemed to stand still but I would guess that I was down on my back a little more than a minute before the man started to run. I jumped to my feet and ran to the sidewalk off of the main street and screamed as loud as I could. I looked to the right and I saw three women at the bus stop. They looked towards me for a few seconds and then turned their gaze towards the street as if nothing was wrong. I stood there and continued to scream envisioning a least a few cars would stop and come to my rescue, but no one stopped. I was scared to leave the spot because I did not want this man to get away. I was tempted to grab my book bag and throw it through the windshield, but I did not know where the man was and I thought that I would have to save myself first and hope that the police catch him later. I walked towards the restaurant; it was the IHOP just past the bus stop. As I approached the women I asked them if they remember seeing a man in a brown leather jacket. They said they had and I told them he tried to kidnap me. They did not say anything else. I recognized one of them as a student at my school. I asked her name with the hopes that she could be a witness if needed (I wanted to get their numbers but thought that I need to move quickly).

I walked in and told a waitress what happened. She said she was sorry she did not have a phone that I could use but she game my change to use their pay phone. I thought about calling the police but at 16 years-old I could not help it, and I called my mommy. “Mommy——- I’m at IHOP just down the street. A man tried to push me into his car, but I got away.” With those words I turned into a scared little girl with a shaky voice, my whole body trembled. I heard the fear and anxiety in my mother’s voice. All I can remember her saying is I’ll be right there………….

Peaceful Christmas Playlist

It is common, especially this is the time of the year, for people feel grateful for the many blessing in their life and want to share their wealth with others. On the view today was segment on creative ways to help those in need. The section below was copied from The View’s website.

Concierge Michael Fazio showed us the gifts that give back to people who are in need this holiday season. Here are some of the gift giving trends he’s seeing among his clients:

• Bejeweled Twist videogame, popcap.com
  
• cellphonesforsoldiers.com, heromiles.com
  
• XO Lap Top, Laptop.org
  
• Tomsshoes.com
  
• Maryfisher.com
  
• Goodshop.com
  

Never say never. I watched the trailer with my sister-in-law and we joked making sure we watched the Britney Spears documentary. I did not think that I would have time for it but I turned it on anyway. To be honest I was on the computer while it was on but with half of my attention I still enjoyed it. I have a certain affection for Britney and I wish that people would leave Britney alone. I think she is a sweet person who had the resonsiblity of being a role model and got feed up with trying to potray perfection that was demanded of her. Yes even I have to admite that maybe she temporarly went off the deep in but I can’t help but hope that she reclaims her life and her image. Here are some links if you want to know how the documentary was recieved or if you are just a fan.

Britney Spears: Back On Track?

Britney Spears‘ Greatest MTV News Moments - News Story | Music …
watch?v=CWeD7EnYc1A

Blog posts about britney spears on mtv

Britney Spears - Official Site

World of Britney- Britney Spears fansite

Britney Spears “Circus” is back — new album, tour

Britney Spears - MySpace

watch?v=PWiecaU4ZY4

  

Originally uploaded by Chris A. Campbell

 

 

I love to read and write about almost any topic. The world is filled with so many amazing nuances that delight my mind. So when I’m filled with awe and wonder I want to get it out and express it masterfully through words. I get to my computer and find myself hesitating and the next thing I know I just churned out a post filled with links to other places where people had the gumption to say what they think, feel, want and hate. I started blogging because I thought it was the answer for my unexpressed energy that lead to many sleepless nights, and it was; I felt excitement everyday because I discovered a vehicle to get it out and find others who were interested in what I had to say.

My husband asked me the other day if I’d ever experience the overwhelming pressure to produce material that leaves you frozen in front of the computer screen. I had to say no. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced writers block. The only time I felt pressure to write was in school when three days before the 20 page report was due I decided that it was time to go to the library, and that was the welcomed and motivating pressure of procrastination. Now here in my house, without any deadlines I feel safe and secure to share anything that my heart desires, or do I? I did at first, fell safe I mean; I was free from judgment, criticism, and having to abide by social norms. I pride myself on being a free thinking, wisdom carrying, unconditional loving, and opened minded possessing kind of girl who has recently found it difficult to write. Again it’s not writers block but it is fear of being vulnerable.

My first year in college I took an English class and my professor doted on my writing. He would pull aside after class and talk at length about my assignment, in addition to the glowing reviews he wrote on the assignment itself. I’d take it with a grain of salt because he was a man; let’s be honest yawl I did not know if he was trying to get in my pants. Besides I did not have an obvious writing to style, the only conscious effort I made was to write what I know and keep it personal but polished. One day I said that I was sick of talking about myself; I decided to write with the same efficiency as always but without anything personal, after all I was reading great works of literature maybe I needed to stop being somewhat self centered. I turned in my assignment with a great since of pride and looked forward to reading the exquisites comments that were soon to follow. Professor handed me the assignment with a big fat red C on the front; honestly I was a little relived, it was proof that he was sincere and not horny. I sought him out after class and asked him why I received a low score and he explained he’s reasoning, long story short it underwhelmed him. From the rest of the semester I made a point to let the topic of the each assignment affect me and let that affect be reflected in my paper; I walked away with and A.

LL&L is supposed to be my online diary, so to speak; a chronicle of my life experiences and choices. I want to share the good the bad and ugly about myself. I’d always planned to other things too but knew that this would be a project that would challenge to come out of my comfort zone by devilling into my personal life and displaying it for anyone who cared to see. The first couple of months I experienced an inner bravery and confidence that felt new. As a social person who can experience platonic love at first sight, or contact (more internet appropriate I guess), I try so hard to be understanding. I hate when people are mean, harsh, critical, gossipy, two-faced, hypocritical back stabbers. I hate when people exclude, dismiss, belittle, look down on, and pick on people just in order to display their hysterical hierarchy. So me and LL&L have become an extremely open minded, loving, humble and patient. The cons of that is that I have lost my voice; in the pursuit of making sure that no one’s opinion is perceive as less important than my own I have stopped having opinions in general. When I recognize a thought that seems in any way judgmental I send out an army of bias killers to hunt it down and strangle the life out it. Then I can rest assured that whatever new and crazy idea I encountered would be perceived, by me, as cool and neat.

Lacking a voice leads to lackluster post and a mousy composer. I don’t invalid my methods, it has benefitted my heart and soul immensely; I just want to be balanced. Me being so consumed with other people feelings and opinions gave me the know how to dig deep and be vulnerable. In my desire to empower other people I desired to share myself, my weakness, my hurts and my failures. Exposing yourself takes strength and endurance. I do admire my strength, I have grown from a lot of difficult experiences, but I still lack the much needed endurances. Without constant support of people acknowledging your efforts it is hard to share things that I am sure that earn such labels as stupid, hypocritical, insecure, flaky, slutty, weak minded, legalistic, untrustworthy, or unworthy of respect. Without acknowledging or expressing my anger, convictions and opinions I am reduced to depending on the kindness of strangers and the encouragement of loved ones instead of my own strength.

 It is time for a rebirth of sorts. I have a furious voice that has been made docile by the abuse and neglect at the hands of my ego, or is it super ego. I will now attempt to let out and rename my inner Sasha in hopes that you will get a stronger, better, faster, stronger understanding of my dynamic self. I am weak, I am strong, I am nice, I am vicious, I am understanding, my convictions are inflexible, I am humble, I am a hypocrite, I loving, I am filled with rage, I am tolerant and I will not take any bullshit. So many time when you see some one that you thought was infallible loss a fight, you instantly label them as weak, but when you see someone who prove themselves to be a coward stand up for themselves you think they woke up on the wrong side of the bed or wonder what up there butt. I believe that all people are dynamic, we all have power and we all have weakness and that is a beautiful thing if you take the time to appreciate it. Everyone has disgusting hypocritical tendency and, at the same time, impenetrable convictions that should be imitated. Take the time to observe the deeply profound spirit of each and every life that you come across and your life will be deeply meaningful or meet someone and size the up in 20 second flat; I understand it is easier to judge a book by its cover so judge away if that what floats your boat. I however I have meet some pretty incredible human beings throughout my life that a long of people thought were a beneath them. Now it is time to let my light shine. All I ask is that good or bad you leave a comment. Love me or hate me, if you read the whole post PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave a comment. I do like expressing myself but it gets old real fast without anyone’s reaction. Thank you

by Lauren Brooke 

We are our own worst critics.  I’m sure that statement does not apply to everyone but I know that I can mentally beat on myself from time to time. I get so frustrated when I catch myself making the same mistakes over and over again. I act childish and get very timid when I feel really scared. I like to wear my heart on my sleeve where it seems to take a lot of abuse by strangers and loved ones alike. People imply that I lack maturity and I find myself being advised to change a lot of aspects about myself that I respect and like; I take that to mean that people don’t like me for who I am and struggled to maintain self confidence. After all if the people that claim to love me only tell me what’s wrong with me and insist that I must change my way of thinking and being, maybe liking myself isreally a state of denial. This past week has been really hard for me, feeling of hopeless to change my present problems and fearful of what the future holds. I’m tired of looking down so let me spiritually look up. When I see God, the perfect majestic creator, and his love for me it’s hard for me to get down on myself. God is perfect and he loves me; I should follow his example and learn to love myself unconditionally as well.

Oh how I wish it were that easy. Sometimes my mind goes on the attack with hurtful thoughts: “Of course God can love you but only because he perfect but you don’t make it easy for him”, “Yeah he’s full of grace but God can’t be mocked. You want him to love you, yet you refuse to do the things you know are right”, “It only that but it takes you to looooonnng time to learn for your mistakes or repent of your sins”, “You think that just cause you know some scriptures that you can trick him into thinking you love him.”, “He knows you better than you know yourself, he sees every sin that you don’t acknowledge and get irritated when you pray; you don’t care about how he feels you just ask him for things you want like he’s Santa Claus.”, ” Yes God use to love you but he refuses to love you any more until you repent, and let face it, you will never change so just give up now.”

Lucky for me even when I’m down  I know that I cannot trust these thoughts, but that only does not help.  When I don’t deal with my feelings they break me down and I become  vulnerable to depression and feelings of hopeless. Here is one of many scripture that help me with this ongoing battle in my mind.

Roman 8:35-39

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

For you sake we face death all day long;

we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.

No, in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

LL&L two scents:

Jesus loves me this I know but the bible also tells that God love me too. It is hard to think about the sacrifice that both God and Jesus made on the cross and remain doubtful that “he’s love endures forever”. It is hard to remember the many times that God has saved my life and expressed his desire for me to be closer to Him and believe that I am alone or that nobody loves me. Though I have many weaknesses and a seemingly strong sinful nature God loves me and there is nothing that I can do to mess that up. I’ve seen the power Gods love through my bible study and my life experiences so I should rest assured that God will take care of everything that overwhelms me. All I have to do is be honest with Him when things get hard or I feel guilty. God made me and loves me just the way I am, I must be something special.

Have you ever believed that God stopped loving you? If so what did you do about it? If not what is your secret that keeps those thoughts out of your mind all together?